Life is full of so many seasons. My own life feels like it could be broken into segments of slow growth followed by spurts of explosive fast burning energy. Older people always told me to enjoy it because life speeds up as you get older and before you know it 10 years have passed you by. I get it now. I just realized 10 years have passed me by. I feel pretty good about most of it but there are memories that seem to be missing. There are gaps in my story and I can’t help but think maybe I was living a little too fast when times in my life seem like a room full of partially illuminated furniture. I can almost make out the patterns but I can’t tell if I’m looking at herringbone or houndstooth.
I never wanted this to happen but some of it seemed out of my control. I remember when I proclaimed to my parents I was leaving the nest and moving into a grown up college dorm (insert eye roll) but I don’t remember the conversation that took place, I just remember the excitement of moving out and being free to do whatever I wanted without having to answer to anyone else. It was pretty scary but also pretty awesome. However recently I’ve thought about my little sister and my parents. I left her behind without really much explanation. I probably hurt my parents more than a little. All of this could have been avoided if I had closed my blinds to the flashing broadway lights for a little while. If I had just taken the time to reflect and look at my life from all angles right at that moment. In four years I should have stopped at some point long enough to think about it. I’m not a selfish person. I usually try to be very sensitive to other’s feelings but in this case and others throughout my life thus far I have made the same mistake over and over again. Why???
Maybe some people might say I’m egotistical but I tend to think I’m just careless. I live in the moment and when you live in the moment sometimes you fly right past the important things. Sometimes you fly right past the most important permanent details in your life-like relationships and being there for someone. I don’t plan on trading in my tendency to live in the moment. For all its’ faults I think it’s a gift that not everyone is capable of experiencing. At least that is what I’ve been told. I love being moved by a moment. So I’ve decided to try something. You can call it what you want. I want to be present in my life. It’s great to open up to emotional responses so many things in life evoke but I want to be more accountable. I don’t want to miss the quieter moment. I don’t want to miss the music coming from another room. These, my friends, are my thoughts this fine Friday.
Have a lovely weekend!